A Right Proper 53 Year Old Rant!
Note to self: This probably should be 2 blogs but flip it, I’m testing a new writing app out…and enjoying it!
When I turned 50 I said to myself I’m going to start doing 2 things differently. Nothing big or serious, 2 little things that up until then (age 50), I hadn’t done too much in my life. They are more about internal approaches, turning things on their head a bit. 3 years on, I’m going to share them with you.
The first thing is when eating. My inner dialogue would make me save the favourite mouthfuls of food till last…no longer, from now favourite bits come first, enjoy my food from the start, lifes too short! I also realised that in my past 50 years, I’d sometimes not get to that bit of the food. I’d get so full that either I would never get to eat the best bit or I’d get to the last bit and find they weren’t the best bits after all, and my meal would finish on a bit of a downer mouthful!
This 1st lifestyle change has been going very well.
The second new practice is to have a good rant at and about things. A full-on-50-year-old-rant. I’m going to award myself this earned privilege. I now enjoy shouting at the telly, radio and listening to LBC. Even shouting at newspapers and street signs are up for grabs. The rants might be based on facts and experiences, important even, the rant is the bit you can do to ease it, rest and work out before doing something proper about it. It’s about awarding yourself a release and a feeling of enjoyment. Releasing dolphins I think they call it?
The important bit is the shouting it out to yourself (or a tv, radio or signpost), getting it out and not tipping the rant over to anger. When it’s out, follow it up by breathing (you have to put ‘umph’ into the rant), and then a period of peace, and reflection (on my fairness/rightness or not) and then a nice cup of tea to make it all better. The importance to stress in this is seeing ranting as a good thing to keep you nice, happy, reasoned, kind and gentle in real life.
It’s about ranting to the point before a fair and justified point becomes a moan or turns into anger, hopefully, I’ll earn the right to progress to moan here and there when I’m in my 90s. I hope my anger is always used correctly, never stored up and is used for good. So a 50+ rant is that sort of “makes you feel good”, get it off yer chest, nobody will take any notice, this won’t change anything type rant, it’s a waste of energy…but it feels good!
It’s not directed at any individual, it comes from 50 years of living and learning and making mistakes (and all that continues). It comes from a newly found 50+ confidence and self-given right to say, “hold on, I’ve been here, I’ve thought about this, (I might still be wrong) but I’m not going to hold it in this time”….I’m going to rant….I will feel better knowing I said it out loud. No longer will my rants burn inside and whimper out with the regret of not saying it and maybe getting something right (or nearly right at least.
so after 3 years of practice, I am sharing 2 rants on this overdue blog.
You don’t have to do anything with them, you can read and ignore. Youcan give me advice or comment, but I am going to rant…then ave a cuppa.
Rant 1. Why on earth do you sell a plug without the chain? I’ve got a modified/adapted sink, to make it a little more accessible. Because of that, whenever I need a new part, and because its probably got the “we saw you coming disability/access sticker” on it, the parts cost more, and usually ‘next-day delivery” or urgency to our services still hasn’t been invented yet. Well, Disabled People have got more time on their “rather poor hands” (to quote Frank Bough interviewing me in the 80’s).
OK, I digress, and possibly just had a minor rant within a bigger rant there, back to the plug of which there’s not much more to rant about, except….
My lovely Laura finds a right fitting plug after me failing to find a correctly fitting one over a period of a few months and a small collection of black rubbery plugs building up. The plug arrives….no chain….why…who thought it would be a good idea to sell a plug without a chain, have they ever washed with hot water or not been able to put marigolds on to take the dip.
I need a chain that I can hook with me stick, tug it and boom…but no, no chain… too easy to sell and fix to the plug, I fear for the next few months, looking for the right chain, the right length, the right attaching fiddley bit, oh it’s to attach to an adapted sink that’ll be another £20 quid, please. “Special Needs”, don’t start, I just want a plug that fits in me sink….with a chain that makes it all work, it simple, almost wanted to say ’normal’ here, but I don’t wanna belong to Normaland.
Rant 1 over…Breath, reflect, cuppa tea…ah I feel better, looking forward to the comments about how I should have gone here, tried this. Advice, just like when they banned plastic straws, saying they had listened to our needs and said we would be able to get straws at a chemist on prescription. I’m not sick I’m thirsty, I don’t need a doctor I need a Guinness!.. And yes, I’ve tried bamboo, paper, wax, glass, metal, hose and exhaust pipe. I just need a decent strong, bendable, stretchable long straw. (that might count as another rant within a rant about a main rant).
Rant 2.
I’m not sure if this was just a manipulated image or AI or for real, but who told Boots that this Parking sign was a good idea?
I know some people struggle with language, want to be nice, and even get their language right here n there! I get it, in the real world, in the real world I even help people explore it, But this? Please!
Yes, in my 50+ years, language has changed, not much tbh, but yes changed but for about the last 35 years, the Disability Movement has been pretty consistent, Disabled People is fine, cause we’ve worked out what it means (for now). Check out The Social Model of Disability, read stuff ‘written by’ disabled people (and yes, we might have made it a bit longer by adding D/deaf and Neurodivergent, but that’s only cause we collectively experience barriers and discrimination, sorry it’s not fewer characters to fit in your need for bullet point shorthand.
Yes, not everyone in the movement and individuals may choose different words, if that’s what rocks yer boat…..I’m about unity, collectiveness, community, and belonging.
Yes, some say, “Oh, isn’t the word disability negative? Well, that’s only if you believe the crap (scuse my parlance) and assumptions that have been heaped upon us by others for the last 100’s of years.
It’s got nothing to do with ability, my body is ok (apart from maybe being a bit older, stiffer n more knackered than a few years back..and perhaps even needing a tattoo here n there with a few instructions on where to put it at it’s comfiest.
We are NOT less able…and whilst I’, at it, for all the semantics out there, my parking is pretty good too! You only have to look around the rest of the car park to find the ‘Less Abled parking!
Rant 2 over…Breath, reflect, cuppa tea…
I think Mercury might still be in my Retrigrade Helen?
Oh fekk, Question Times on me Telly!
I know…its been a long time.
But in fairness, I have been pretty busy, and I have been very active online.
My first album, “Better Late Than Never ” is out and available to buy and download. And a new website and socials focused much more strongly on my music.
So i have been telling ya stuff but just in different places. This blog is still a useful (and hopefully interesting) place where I do a bit of thinking, dickering and rambling.
So whilst waiting for my Eurostar train home from a weekend with Laura in the Hague, I thought I’d just pop here to say “I’m here and this blog is still a goer”.
For all the new stuff related to the album, gigs and my very important to sign up to “Mailing List” follow the links here:
https://linktr.ee/JohnKellyMusician
So a blog with some thoughts and happenings is coming this way; I haven’t forgotten here or Rockinpaddy.
Soon sausages!
Why #EndAbleism is trending?
Lot of thinking over last few weeks about Ableism as it’s come more into focus during this pandemic. This has been written fast as if honest, I wasn’t sure we’d even make a ripple on twitter, I hoped, believed but still…..sorry for the typos, I’ll update as I slow down.
This is just a quick shower of whats been in my head during many sleepless nights mulling todays campaignas we trend at number 3 in UK twitterland with #WeShallNotBeRemoved #EndAbleism (see #WeShallNotBeRemoved #EndAbleismall over social media today).
Disablism and ableism for me are intertwined and associated but from different angles of the same prejudice pot.
Its the idea that a certain type of body is able and mine isn’t. Really?
Your able bodied (often goes along with fit & strong) and I’m not, really?
The idea that disability is about my lack of ability or inability, nothing to do with prejudice or discrimination that prevents me from my potential to do exactly what you do, but just in a different way, my way isn’t valid or proper because I don’t fit in to your way, Really?
As a result of Ableism or ableist attitudes, value judgements are made ..if you lack ability you either need fixing or your worthless. Being different, with impairment, deaf, with a leaening difficulty, whatever our difference/diversity…we are the problem and cost….really?
During this pandemic the UK government made those Ableist value judgements on our worth as disabled people & its hit really hard (I’ve lost 13 friends in 12 weeks). It was decided how we were to be treated (or not) in this pandemic. It was all fairly quite and unsaid but simply Disabled People (particularly those living Independent Lives) were not on the agenda. We had to shout & our voices are not loud.
So ableism sees us as week, inferior, worthless, to be isolated and protected. We are not Vulnerable. We are only made vulnerable by policies and procedures chosen to oppress and keep us as unequal to other worths, the economy, business, fiscal power.
Thats why #WeShallNotBeRemoved #EndAbleism is so important today. I’m so proud that in under 3 weeks we have come together as a small movement, connected, used our creativity & raised our voice, knowing that still many of us Disabled People are not being heard or listened to. We are still not at the table of change.
I’ve fought most of my life to end disability so why Ableism? I’m not an academic, but I’ve spent a lot of time learning from others, who I know will articulate far more rigoursly than I.
An Ableist prejudice is rushing some back to the old normal. Well the old normal didn’t work for us and we don’t really want a new normal. We really want change, human rights to be respected, equality, social justice & real inclusion based on belonging, understanding, partivipation & value of all our worth (our difference/diversity/intersectionality is the real value.
So #EndAbleism sausages!
When Will We Rise Up?
“Rise up Evie Smith”, I yell.
It’s common place to be asked to give feedback on an experience when you purchase or participate in something theses days. With my training background, I know important and useful this is to how I can improve and redesign things. But hat about when you feel the feedback is just for a tick box exercise that will bring little or nothing to change the bigger picture.
I recently had this offer/dilemma to give feedback on my experience of going through my Personal Independence Payments (PIP) Assessment. To be honest this blog is already about a thousand words too long, sorry sausages, bare with me:……
It’s important to put my little act of resistance in context. That is the context of this governments ever increasing erosion of our rights and our independence. I (and hopefully we?) know and see this erosion all around us. All these changes are a systematic wrong to fit an ideology of greed and selfishness. It smells, feels and looks wrong. Even if you disagree and think the gornment is great (???) you must sense some of us are experiencing something that isn’t quite right?
Harsh? Unfair? You may say I’m being a bit bias? Well, if that is a bias toward the side of equality, justice, respect & dignity, then yep. But then I realise why the bias is ther. My rational (not bias) response as I reflect, is directly as I experience the Closure of the ILF (Independent Living Fund), the tightening bureaucratic restrictions and changes to Access to Work. Then outside my direct experience, but with my loved ones, my friends, their families, other disabled people being put through care cuts, benefit cuts, the bedroom tax, Working Capability Assessments and Universal Credit hasn’t even got half an evil claw in yet. The whole agenda needs ripping up, re-directing and far more urgently than anything Brexit could throw up.
To put it straight, I don’t want a new tweaked central Care system linked to health. I want to be able to live an independent life with choice and control where I can contribute and participate in the world around me…as an equal. To do that I need support…don’t we all!
All in the name of Austerity, a strong economy and to aid the rhetoric of ensuring as a great country we look after the most vulnerable/those with greatest need. And yet it’s ok to have a limitless pot to piss it up the Brexit wall? Well you only have to google any of the above or listen to the news to know these actions are at the least having the biggest and most detrimental impact on our lives.
I panicked that my response might be my age, “moany an old bloke” period of life. Then I pinch myself and realise it actually is really happening.
As a small time campaigner/fighter (there are many greats far more effective than I) of injustice/discrimination theres always a sense of “why aren’t more people rising up”, how can we resist, be helpfully non compliant, not participate in this game we are being forced to play. I want to play a game with fair rules, agreed with negotiation and agreement. A game I can play with fairness and equality, one that I can participate and contribute too.
So back to the plot, my invitation to participate in a focus group looking at my experience of PIP for £50. In the context of all the above and along with the short notice, lack of financial recognition of my professional time, PA costs to be there and the feeling that I wouldn’t be able to get across half of how bad the whole experience was in terms of access, bureaucracy and my self esteem/confidence, I decided to decline, but tell them why and was happy to have it on record & is why I am sharing it in this blog.
My anger/frustration/beliefs wasn’t with the research company, the guy was nice enough. My need to adequately respond to this feedback was bigger than the opportunity to be complicite in ticking the DWP consultation box. It was very much about my anger/frustration/etc at our governments policies & actions. Heres me letter, I’ve removed the researchers name.
Subject: Re: Confirmation of group discussion about your experiences of completing the Capability for Work questionnaire [6060]
Dear xx,After serious consideration, I have decided I cannot participate in this piece of research/feedback to DWP.The whole of my experience was so fundamentally negative, inaccessible and difficult, that I believe the whole pip system needs drastic change to meet & reflect the real needs and lived experience of Disabled People.If the dwp truly understood the practice of real co-production this would be a positive start that might change the culture towards Disability equality and supporting Disabled People to live independent lives.Although I do appreciate the token of £25 for my time, as a disabled person this amount doesn’t reflect the true cost of my time & support needed to attend. It’s a very low rate as an incentive given the costs to attend and perhaps current research rates. In short, it reflects part of the problem in the DWP not recognising the true additional cost of disability, let alone as an ‘incentive/gift’.I would be happy for you to use this as anonymous evidence or to chat further if there was a real commitment to change to improve the lives of Disabled People particularly in the current climate and context of policy impacting on our lives (closure of the Independent Living Fund, restrictions to Access To Work).Thank you for contacting me, I am of course happy should you need to contact me for any clarification.
We must join together, united & rise up, be non compliant wherever we can to inequality and unfairness and continue resilient and resolute in seeking inclusion, equality & justice together as disabled and non disabled contemporaries.
Right, cup of tea Sausages! xx
Writing me ditty’s
It’s funny how some things come together all at once, bit like buses. The first few months of 2019 have definitely been about songwriting and producing (admittedly writing with Access All Areas started back in September, but intensified in getting the show, Winged up & on in 2019). In particular, writing songs for others, which I have realised I love to do. So this blog is a bit of a sharing. A sharing of these songs.
In this period of time, I have found within myself a different style of song writing that has given me permission to explore and try new sounds, melodies & structures outside my comfort zone/usual style I guess. As always I continue to learn loads and always feel that one day I’ll learn to do it all “properly”, ‘Properly’ in the context of the playing & recording and in how I admire those who do all this well.
As I’m self taught, I always feel a bit inferior to those who’ve studied and know what they are doing. I do to an extent but…to use the proper technique, starting point, language, use of tools in the right way. I know I’m professional, work hard and not too bad at what I do, but blimey do I always want to do it all so much better! I value holding close Jenny Sealeys adage “we are here, we are in this moment, it’s the right place, find/feel that moment. So I try….
Listening to my self doubt around the notion that tere is such a thing as “properly” (in my heart I believe of course there isn’t such a thing as one proper way, but many many different ways). With my self coaching head on, I can hear how I would say to another me, What is proper? of course the response would be believe in your way, there is no real ‘proper’ and if it works for you then it is the way. Then I stop beating myself up, overcome whichever problem I’ve technically encountered and enjoy the creative discipline until the next fekk up.
The tingle of..oh this sounds ok….even nice, drives me on. Of course then a different kind of nervousness comes about. What will those listening think?
I love artists who don’t care about what others think on their creation (even though I suspect they do a bit..?), but im still very much about wanting everyone to be happy/enjoy what is being shared.
So I get stuck in, check out for reassurance with friends, that that thought of “is this the best way”. Im so lucky that friends always return that reassurance with, thats a great way, fine, or try this…and so I create a few songs.
They are what they are, a marker to indicate a bit of where I am now, not perfect, but hopefully ok, could be better, but ok, the best I can now and not final, finished, they can always improve and change with age and new learning & time.
Funny when I started this blog, I just wanted to share a collection of songs I’ve written that despite all of the above, i have enjoyed, loved, worked hard to create & shared.
I’ve loved working with some new companies to me.Circumference on the titled “delicate’ R&D, working with Access All Areas has been a very special time to me as they created/wrote/influenced each piece and they allowed & trusted in me. The songs we created had a place amongst a beautiful narrative, theatrical design & visuals, but mainly the experience was about being surrounded by beautiful people.
And then last week working with OCHI around R&D exploring the story of Medea, gave me even more opportunities to create, try, & share. Another weird coincidence, what is it with me & greek mythological stories?
So a few songs shared that I’ve written for these brilliant pieces of theatre. If any of you read this…Now I know what Ive done I can now do the songs again only differeny, gear 4 into 5, but I’m happy I gave it me best with these, where they are…for now xx
You can here them all & more on me soundcloud
(Sorry me blog turned into one of those YouTube instruction videos that goes on n on n on….so heres a track created yesterday, for me, for fun, nuffing serious, just experimentation).
Enjoy Sausages x Apologies for typos, will correct soonest x
#LittleDorrit on BBC Radio 4
So, tomorrow, Sunday 30th December(& indeed next Sunday), I will be playing Mr Dorrit & the voice of Charles Dickens on yer radiogram.
Probably the only time I’ll ever be saying that one as a status!
Tune yer radiogram in at 3pm, BBC radio 4 with the brilliant Pickles Norman Liz Carr Jude Mahon Autumn Red Bonham-Cox Vikki Gee Jenny Sealey Narinder Samra Eloise Whitmore John Merriman recorded at the brilliant @CrownLaneStudios
It was a brilliant experience, I am grateful to have learnt loads & I really hope you enjoy it sausages. Let variety be the spice of life indeed!
The story set then is the story now. Yep happening now, political ….fighting injustice, poverty, accessible affordable housing, the crisis that is social housing, oppression, austerity, cuts, cuts & on it goes.
When will the quietest of our voices be not only heard, but valued and acted upon. Very Proud to be a small part of this piece and yet my heart screams more loudly, listen to the horrific experiences of those needing social housing & an end to poverty/oppression in Merton/London/all over the UK and we still wait and will never forget the need for #Justice4Grenfell
End.
Part 2: Setting Up The Kellycaster
The easiest way for me a to break it all down here is to a few screen shares. So heres the set up bit:-
Obviously from the screen share you can tell… I love Gawain Hewit, Charles Mathews, Jon Dickinson (he made the body), Drake Music, the clever Bela peeps, Novation, Ableton, Roland, my PA’s & many other friends & colleuges who are on this journey with me & this thing of beauty. #TheKellycaster
Blog in progress……obvs sausages!
Part 1 of however many it takes: The story of #TheKellycaster – A Thing of Beauty
The Prologue.
So it’s about time I actually wrote in my own words, what The Kellycaster is (the best way I can), its story so far and why it’s so important to my future journey? I think for sanity and to keep the blogs not too long, see this as part one of however many it takes.
The Kellycaster purs away at home.
Recently someone very kindly wrote “Mary will introduce John Kelly to the stage as someone who has already helped us re-redefine the electric guitar working with DM Labs to produce the KellyCaster”.
Wow, to ‘re-define’ seems a massive statement which I was/am blown away about. However, keeping myself as grounded as possible I don’t take in so much to get carried away into the lovely things people say and write about my performances, songs I write or cover, voice, gigs or words.
Of course, I really appreciate and do not dismiss those nice words that someone has taken the time to give. I gratfully acknowledge them, feeling luky for them, but in my head, I always feel; what have I learnt from tonight, ah I have a lot to learn, long way to go, I’m not bad at this but many others sing sweeter, play better, articulate much better and so practice, practice, work hard, head down and continue working hard and hope I improve. I can be content in the comment or in the moment and enjoy it but not complacent in wanting to make my songs or singing or playing better.
The Kellycaster was in the big papers almost immediately the first sound was made on those three strings strung on an old throw-away Telecaster guitar body that we (Charles/Gawain & myself) cut up for a Hackathon on the Southbank. You’ll notice from the picture the strings doubled to 6 as to keep with convention.
First Prototype
And the interest has stayed and grown, the BBC ….then articles in Italy, Spain, The States…short films for The British Council….and of course things written by Drake Music colleagues, friends and other colleagues who have blogged, tweeted and shared such supportive news about its development. To all I am hugely grateful and somehow indebted too, I owe them more than a pint anyway!
Guitar breakthrough – The Independent, 2015
At that Web We Want Hackathon little did Charles & Gawain (see below) know that we’d be taking my Guitboard (my first choice name for what is now The Kellycaster), on a big journey from that Southbank room (below) with no windows and lots of soldering smells. This was the first hack taken from my concept presentation shared at a DMLab meeting a month or so earlier
We started with a hex pickup and plugs for each individual string. The string signal sent to a max/msp with a 6 input soundcard to convert into sound and on that day we used an OSC app to change three simple chords. There was a fair bit of latency but I could compensate on anyting under 90 BPM, perfect for Ride On! the first tune I played to share in the very public Clore Ballroom.
In writing this, I’ve just realised my lovely mum never got to see this beautiful thing that’s come into my life. I’m sad about that because she knew how important music is to me and she loved the craic and fun of the gigs I’d be involved in. She was so supportive to me pushing and doing whatever I enjoyed and succeeded at. I’m glad she at least knew it was happening, although I smile at what she’d thing of all the new extra gear I now carry around from gig to gig. She used to joke “jaysus, couldn’t you have got a job with a desk where you wouldn’t have to be pulling and tearing gear in and out of the house every night”, then she’d laugh, “sure we wouldn’t be happy then though’.
So…I knew what I could physically and musically do & of course I had dreamt from childhood of playing guitar. Rocking it out to a crowd, belting out a tune, playing with others sweating from the energy and emotion. Equally I’d dream of singing in a corner somewhere playing a guitar to myself (ideally in an irish bar obviously). Of course the journey had a few twists and turns and we had to work thrugh complicated bck to complex. Complex is what makes The Kellycaster an instrument to be learnt. Its prettty simple to get a sound out but practice and more practice is required to play it with skill, I’m still praciticing btw.
From complicated to complex. The birth of the Boogie Bar (nunchucker, bluetac and ballpoint pen).
Like any classic childhood guitar dreams the reality came in the shape of a snooker cue (i preferred this to the traditional tennis racket although I dabbled there too). I mention the snooker cue because that’s really over the years how I figured I could strum, pick n pluck…and also I could do left hand stuff as long as it was a button here or something there that would do the chord shape.
Although I learnt to play guitar sort of….it was on an open tuning of E, just like the old blues masters who could always go much further than I. it never went the way I wanted to play in my head. I learnt “you’re cheatin’ heart” on it and wrote “just a dream” and I could do a bit of the old boogie woogie 12 bar riff, that I am now spending hours trying to embellish and hone on The Kellycaster.
So I’d learnt the basics on piano, could blow the old trumpet (three valves, 3 faster fingers, perfick). As some of you will know I’ve played keyboards for years, using a single finger to play most of the chords and learnt 100’s of songs. Last count my little book had 170 something songs in it. So the keyboard was kind of ok, as far as I thought it would go. i could write, jam along and play well enough to please an audience. But in that old head of mine, I knew those single finger chords were still limiting and somehow locked in. Anyone playing along with me had to fit in with what was happening.
This Machine Kills Oppression.
I Don’t Fit In A Box, You Don’t Fit In A Box, We Don’t Fit In A Box!
Thanks to Drake Music for commissioning me to write this song for We All Make Music 2018, an Anti-conference celebrating the Right to make music in Education.
Woodie Guthrie would say a living song; a song that make you take pride in yourself and your work & a song that protests about the things that need protesting about.
We want Inclusion & Disability Equality so that all our narratives, stories & songs can be heard, not just the few with the Power button or are the loudest.
Inclusion, Equality & the right to make music seem a pretty important thing to create a living song about. Enjoy, share, download, join the movement for Change, don’t let it all pass by unchallenged.
Rockinpaddy 